Foolville

I think Jimmy likes me. Likes me in that way, I mean.
It's the little things, really. He doesn't flirt exactly, but he does... Oh, I don't know, act weird. I know I mentioned it before in the last entry, but that day in the canteen reminded me of me. Ever been in that situation where you're out with your mates and you go "Oh, there's that guy I fancy," and you keep your head down while your friends crane to look at him, checking him out to see whether he's good enough/hot enough, etc... Well, that's how it was. I sort of know one of the guys who checked me out and he's never done it before, at least, not that I noticed. And the way Jimmy was staring at the table was strange too. I can't explain why, it just was.
Then, yesterday, I was in the canteen (again) and saw Jimmy buying cookies, so I took my tuna sandwich over to say hi and he mimed flicked up hair. I nodded and told him dryly that my hair had been flicked up all last week and he hadn't noticed and he replied, "Well, I haven't seen you much. I've been bunking tutor."
"Really?" I answered, "and here was me worried to death thinking you've got flu or something."
He laughed and said, "Thanks. Anyway, your hair looks really nice." And off he went to pay.
Last Friday too, he'd been reading my newspaper over my shoulder and then we were having a joke over some of the articles, the arrangement of the tables, meaning we had to lean quite close.

I've always known I had a crush on Jimmy. He's fun, he doesn't tease me constantly like Scott so I don't feel so threatened because I know where he's coming from. And he does have a dark and brooding thing going on.

But, to tell you the truth, the thought that my innocent crush might be returned is sorta scary. Mainly because I've not had a boyfriend for almost two years, so lets just say I'm a little rusty. And then there's the fact that I might be utterly and completely wrong in which case I'll feel like a fuckwit and a complete twat.

Current Mood: weird

This is probably the most random entry because there's a lot of stuff in my head I need to get out. I'm not actually in a bad mood, I'm quite cheerful for a change.
To begin with, my good mood stems from the fact that I've had a good past few days. Saturday I got my haircut and I've got a load of auditions for drama school coming up which I'm looking forward to. And yesterday was a good day. I went into the canteen with Liz because we both finished at 2. Jimmy and his friends were the only ones in the canteen, but Jimmy kept his head bent so I couldn't catch his eye and talk to him. As we were leaving, Liz whispered that Jimmy had kept his eyes fixed on the table, but all his friends were eyeing me up. So that gave me a nice warm feeling.

I've also made the decision that I'm going to tell Scott. See, last Friday, we walked into college together, just the two of us, which was nice because he was just Scott, not showing off or anything. The temptation to say, "Oh and by the way, I fancy you. See ya later!" was huge as he went to his class and I went off to mine, but my logic kept that in check. But I've decided to just do it next time. Hopefully I'll see him Friday in the morning or when we finish and just drop it into conversation. In a perverse way, I'm looking forward to it, just because I think his reaction will be comical. I'm focusing on that rather than the consequences.

In other news, I've come to a few conclusions about life. This whole looking for the meaning of life thing seems a bit redundant to me. As far as I can see, we just stumble through life. There's no meaning, no reason for us to be here. Truth is as far as I can see that we just got incredibly lucky and moved up the evolutionary scale. I suppose the closest we get to having a meaning is making the most of what we've got so we don't die thinking "I should've... I would've... I could've..."
And the strange thing is that that thought doesn't bother me. In fact, I think it's comforting because I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm achieving my higher purpose. I'm not saying I don't believe in God or anything. I'm not sure whether I believe in God or not. I do know I believe in people. Sounds stupid, I know, but I do. People are really amazing; they hate, they love, they can be the kindest being on earth, but they can also be the cruelest. We can make others happy beyond words and we can be brought to our knees by a few hard words from someone we love.
I guess my whole take on life can be summed up by the last stanza of Matthew Arnold's Dover Beach:

"Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night."

See, I told you this entry was random. And if you're wondering about the title, well, let's put it this way, Jimmy's got a new coat which he looks quite cute in. Cute in an adorable way.

Current Mood: Warm and Fuzzy

So, your friends. They're not supposed to fuck you over, are they?
So why is it that that's all Jayne seems to be doing? She's using me like some fucking memory bank. "Take notes for me. I'm too busy. Oh I hate this. Explain it to me." I thought she was 17, not 3.

I know I'm not in the wrong here, I've talked to Liz who agrees that Jayne's taking me for a mug. But I still feel guilty. See, I'm helping Ella, because she's pregnant and she misses one day a week for check ups and pregnant women classes. I give her the notes from that class and I tell her what went on.

The difference is I don't resent Ella for it. The poor girl is due in just under three months and yet she comes in every day and does the work, gets her essays in on time, revises for an exam she has to take a day before she gives birth and still works part time. Yet, Jayne can't be bothered to take notes when she's in class and she doesn't turn up to classes other times because she's tired.

Yeah? Well, I'm fucking tired too. But I still get in on time, do the work, contribute to discussions, do the essays, however difficult or obscure the question, I go to rehearsals outside of my Drama classes and the first thing I do when I get home is collapse on the sofa and sleep, then I get up and do my homework. I've forgotten what "me" time felt like. But I signed up for it. I decided I wanted to go to college rather than work because I want a good future. At the end of the day, this is only a few months out of my life, then I'll have all the summer. Ok, so then there'll be three/four years at uni, depending on where I go. But I've chose this. No one forced Jayne into this life.

She's gotten so lazy and so nasty I don't recognise her. She didn't do as well as she wanted last year and that was with me helping her and her helping herself, so what the hell will happen this year? The funniest thing is that she still applied to all the top uni's and thinks she'll get in. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be there to pick up the pieces when she screws up this year, because I've tried, but now it's time she stood on her own two feet. I'm sick to bloody death of smiling and trying to convince her pleasantly to do the work. I'm done. She's on her own. I'm sick of trying and I'm too tired to care.

I kinda like stupid emails, they really cheer me up. Here's what the my three initials mean:

1st initial: You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal (True, though I don't flirt as much as I feel like). You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are a born romantic (Yep). Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime (Sad, but true). You can be a very generous lover.

2nd initial: You are totally fucking marvellous (Yay!).

3rd initial: You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner (That doesn't really bother me so much as a sense of humour). You also require an intelligent partner (Definitely). Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; a good fight stimulates those sex vibes (So true. All Scott and I do is fight. Come to think of it, I fought a lot with my last boyfriend). You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

It's so cool when these things are true!

Current Mood: amused

I can't believe how much Jayne and I have grown apart. I can't talk to her anymore. I try not to be around her on my own because I can't stand to hear all of her narrow minded views that make me sick. I can't stand to hear her condemn people she doesn't understand for no other reason than that someone told her to think that way.

Last Friday, not today, but last week, I had a great day. I had this brilliant debate in English and then Scott and I had a really good conversation. He said he liked my skirt. Ok, so I didn't take that well, I babbled some crap about how it didn't fit properly and he looked at me like I was nuts, but he laughed when I finally sighed and said that he'd understand when he had a wife. I'm no good at taking compliments. Then we had a really good conversation and he just proved to me that he isn't a clown all the time. Then he sang to me as we left. It was stupid and he probably didn't mean "You're so fine," but hey, it was nice. I was so happy when I met Liz and Jayne.
Then in the toilets (where so much female gossip is exchanged) Jayne said she had something important to tell me. She said she didn't know if it would upset me, but she didn't think it would because I haven't mentioned anything recently. I knew she was talking about Scott. Last time she said something like that in the loos, it was because she had accidentally let slip to a friend of Scott's that a friend of hers liked him (although she didn't say it was me). I expected her to say that she had somehow found out that Scott was not interested/gay/a eunuch. I wasn't that bothered because lately you can take anything Jayne says with a pinch of salt.
But actually it turns out that Scott's in one of her classes now and she hates him. I think she could have been more tactful than coming out with "He's so annoying. He pisses me off and I really can't stand him." So much for becoming a kinder, more understanding, less judgemental person. The sad thing is she didn't think I'd mind because she thinks I'm over him because I don't mention him. When she said it, I changed the subject, because I wasn't about to undergo one of her pitiful looks when I told her she was wrong and I do still like him.
It was only later I realised that she's right. I haven't mentioned him to her, I talk to Liz now, mainly because Liz listens. It sounds stupid, but my feelings for Scott mean a lot to me and I don't want them to undergo Jayne's smirking snideness which brings it all down to something ridiculous to be ashamed of. And I was also quite annoyed. Even if I was "over it," that doesn't mean I want to hear someone who is a friend pulled apart like that.

I don't like the new Jayne. She's full of cruel remarks, views that digust me, but views she thinks everyone else should share. I'm beginning to not like her, which saddens more than angers me. For so long, she was my best gal pal and now she's someone I barely recognise. Which is why I tell Liz and not Jayne when Scott says or does something nice, because it's precious to me and I don't want Jayne making me feel bad because it means a lot to me.

Current Mood: contemplative

Sometimes I don't even get myself.
I mean, why is it that if anyone's got a problem, anyone needs help or someone to talk to, anyone needs advice, they go to Nic? Because I'm just the girl that can't say no.
And why is it that if anyone wants help with their work, I sit them down and I don't get up again 'til I've helped them the best I can? I'm not trying to make out that I'm a great person, most of the time, I'm a bitchy cow (but we'll come to that). The point I'm making is, I help because I'd like to think that if I were in their position, they'd help me with my work. Never happens.
And I've lost count of the times I've sat listening to: "Why doesn't he like me?" "My mum and I had a huge row," "My boyfriend dumped me." And yet when it's my turn, my so called friends don't really listen. They're there and they're nodding and saying "Yeah" in all the right places, but I can tell they're thinking "God this is boring." And then, when I'm done, they trot out some old cliche like: "Don't worry, it'll be ok." Yeah, I know that. I know that because I can't be like this the rest of my life, it's a fact of life that things change, I wasn't asking for confirmation of that fact, I was asking for them to tell me how I can make things better.

Which is why I think I'm a bitchy cow. Because that's how I vent my frustrations. I don't vent them at the people I should.
I don't go up to Jayne and tell her that I think she's joined a cult and I don't like her new narrow-mindedness and if she can't accept that I believe something different to the norm, she shouldn't make comments that I find hurtful.
I don't tell Mel that I actually can't fork out ten quid over a couple days so that I have enough money on my mobile phone to text her about pointless shit.
I don't tell Tamara that she pisses me off a lot of the time and I don't tell Andy that I'm sick of his playboy attitude and I think he should spend more time with his kid rather than some silly little girl who pulls ridiculous stunts just so she can see him.

Most of all? I don't tell Scott how much he means to me.

Instead, I listen, I nod, I do the best I can to help. Then I bitch in my diary, moan to Josh (the one person who actually seems to listen and ironically, the one person I don't see daily because he lives so far away now). The worst thing is I have all these pent up emotions so that when Scott teases me, I over react and end up looking like an hysterical bitch. Which makes me madder, so I tell someone, get some stupid, unhelpful advice and the whole thing starts over again.

This year, I've given up the "old" me. I don't slob about college in jeans and a t-shirt. I make an effort, make-up, nice outfits because I'm shallow enough to enjoy the comments. I like that Micheal texted me to say I looked breathtaking and I like that I guy overheard me reading the text to Liz and asked who the lucky guy was.
See, deep down, I think I'm a good person. It's just that no matter how much I tell myself that, the other half of me just says, "You're not good enough. You're not pretty enough, slim enough, smart enough, talented enough." The actual truth of it is, when I think logically: I am good enough, if I try hard, I can achieve everything I want. I may not be pretty, but I'm slim, I'm a healthy weight, I'm a damn sight healthier than most of the "pretty people" because I don't starve myself, drink myself into regular stupors and get high every day. I can do the things I care about well, things like acting and writing. And when I'm in front of an audience I can be this flirty, confident person who I think maybe I am deep down inside and that's what I'm trying to do this year, get it out, be me. Be someone I don't think is stupid and over emotional and ugly.

Course, it doesn't help that I work my ass off and people like Priya get As when they barely turn up to class because they've spent the night before at some seedy club getting drunk and high. And it doesn't help that people like Priya - the one "popular" person who actually knows my name - are so pretty and confident and popular. I've had my fill of girls like her. If it wasn't for girls' like her, maybe I wouldn't be this frustrated girl who has just about no self esteem.

But I've decided that enough is enough. I'm really happy with my results this year and I'm sneakily proud that my grades beat the so-called clever people who have their own little clever people class.
I work hard, I try my hardest and in the long one, I'll be the one getting paid. And I don't want to look back and think, "I had a lot going for me when I was 17, I should have made more of it. I should have gone to the dances and events at college. I should have told Scott how much I liked him because who knows how that might have turned out." And I'm gonna try to do everything so I don't regret not doing anything. I'll even tell Scott at some point this year. I'd rather regret telling him than not telling him. At least if I regret telling him, I'll know how it turned out.

And ok, so maybe all this is pointless because the world's going to the rubbish heap faster than Beckham's last car. But I'm here now. So I may as well make the most of it.

Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Growing On Me - The Darkness

So according to this email someone sent me, I'm Brownies:

"Brownies - You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humour and direction. You tend to be very loyal."

I think that sounds exactly like me, which is nice because it's cool. I like being the champion of the underdog and I like being a little left of centre. Most of my friends get that. Most of my friends, like Josh and Lizzie, revel in it, they think it's cool.

Then we've got Jayne. Who seems to think that I'm not the greatest friend in the world when I try really hard to be a good friend. She also seems to think I don't have a life of my own.
I haven't been busy all summer, but this weekend, Josh came to visit. Jayne came back from her holiday on Friday and left a voicemail on my mobile because it was upstairs and I never heard it ringing. I texted her but she said she'd call me tomorrow (which would be Saturday, the day Josh was coming). I told her not to call me til pretty late because me and Josh were going out and he normally stays at my house til about 11 and I wasn't about to sit on the phone with her for an hour when I haven't seen Josh for 2 months. I explained that to her, but she didn't reply and I haven't heard from her since.
It bugs me because this summer all I've done is say "J, do you wanna go out? Shopping or something?" But no, she's always too busy with her brand new life. Yet I'm just supposed to be there. Like I'm Miss-Fucking-Reliable or something.
And she said on Friday that she's got nothing to do this week. I can't do anything with her this week because my mum has taken the week off so we can go out together and it's not fair for me to ditch my mum just because J snaps her fingers. It's in no way fair. And what really gets me is how she takes it when I say I'm busy. When she's busy, I'm like, "It's cool, see you some other time." But she gets huffy, it's like it's one rule for her and another for me, which is bullshit.

Then there's the results day thing. I did well and she did less well. So I was trying really hard not to run across the campus screaming and jumping up and down, which is how I felt. But I didn't because I thought my friend needed me. Yet all she did was make snide comments about "Well, at least you got what YOU wanted," and stuff like that. It made me so mad because I could have rubbed it in her face, but I didn't. I was trying so hard to be supportive and tell her it didn't matter because there was always next year and she could retake. And what do I get in return? A whole lotta nuthin', that's what the hell I got. It makes me so angry because I try hard and all I get is a shit load of bull in return. I'm starting to get slightly bloody sick of it.

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Good Charlotte - The Young and the Hopeless

Here's a quote from this journal:
"I hate Jimmy... even if I ever get over that, I won't like him anymore. Maybe as a friend, but as a romantic interest, he's history... What a complete and utter bastard." That was on May 15th.
Today, on August 22nd, I admit I'm eating my words. I'm a pathetic emotional weakling and I melt at a cocky grin and self-deprecating comments about shit exam results. I went into college on Thursday to collect my results (I did ok, I'm really pleased and chilled now) and I was sitting at the picnic tables with my friends and he was sitting with his friends on the wall across the main lawn. It was weird, everytime I looked up, he did too, looking my way. Then when I walked past him, he stopped me, pulled his cigarette from his mouth and smiled at me. It was possibly the most sexy thing I've ever seen, given that he's the only guy I know that can smoke without looking like a girl. He asked me how I'd done, called me a bitch, then took it back and congratulated me before telling me what he got.
I didn't see Scott there, but I saw his friend Paul, but as I think Paul's an arrogant prat I didn't ask where Scott was.
The worse thing is that I was over Jimmy. I really was. All it took was some stubble and a glance to make me weak at the knees. Damn him! Damn me! Damn hormones! Damn melting into breathless me-shaped goo! Not that I think it would work if we got together, I think we're better off as friends. And I still have a major thing for Scott.
So yeah, witness this. I'm eating my words.
God, I suck.

But, there is other news. Dear old Andy has another bike. He's ditched the red moped and now has a sleek black number. It's absolutely fantastic and as soon as my mum's not in the vaccinity, I think I might take him up on the offer of a ride! Some might say he's over compensating for something. Ok, so I said it and he tried to tickle me, but I got away. So, ha! I am not such a sucker for stubble and a devil-may-care grin.

Current Mood: good
Current Music: Bitch - Meredith Brooks

Wow, it's been a while. Ok, here's the explanation:
First of all, I went on holiday (which wasn't the most amazing thing ever, since it was too hot to actually do anything). Then, when I came back, I was really busy. I had to sit and listen to my friend talk about all this new stuff (which gets in the way of her actually keeping our shopping dates, which I'm none too pleased about).
Anyways, I won't go into a lot of detail because there's too much. I'm not doing a lot at the moment because Lizzie spends most of the summer in a music school or something like that, Josh's dad isn't planning on coming down this way for a while and Jayne is the one that has completely changed. Gone is the Jayne that obsessed over Robert like I obsessed over Scott and in her place is someone who spends a lot of her time doing other things (which I won't go into, all I'll say is it's good, but sometimes you can have too much of a good thing and no, it's not a guy).
Seema's been working all the time and at the moment she's on holiday, like Tamara and Susie. Micheal seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth and I haven't seen or heard from Jimmy in weeks. Mel's been working full time and spends whatever free time she has with her boyfriend. So I'm pretty much doing stuff on my own.
The funny thing is that all this has forced me to see a lot more of this old friend of mine.
See, Josh, me and this guy (Andrew) have been friends forever, although Andy's about two years older than me and Josh. Our mum's were friends before we were born so we've always been together. But Josh moved away about the same time Andy left our Primary School for High School, so although Josh and I remained best friends, we grew away from Andy. Lately though, Andy and I have been hanging out and when I see him outside, I go and chat to him. It's really nice because we can reminise about holidays together and all the stuff that has gone on with us since we were close. It's so great, like getting to know him all over again. He's sweet, but (just like always) he teases me, so it's like nothing's changed, which I kinda like.
Anyway, I've got ironing to do. So I oughta go.

Current Mood: calm

At the moment, my life has whirled into overdrive. I've had two exams this week - a 3hr English Lit paper and a 2 and a half hour History paper. I've only got one exam to go, which is a simple one on Wednesday. So I'm going out with some old mates this weekend to chill out. I've gotta get birthday presents for my brother and Jayne and father's day presents and see Harry Potter. Oh and then there's pizza.
Then, at any point after Wednesday, Lizzie is going to tell Scott about my feelings. She decided that was the only way this thing is ever going to get sorted. I kinda agree, but I thought it was a little childish for her to say "My friend likes you!" so apparently she's gonna say I don't know she's telling him.

Anyways, Micheal's been calling me. He's written a sitcom he wants me to look at. I keep saying I will but I never seem to find the time, I'm too busy revising and writing so there'll be plenty of fic updates when I'm finished with exams.
Oh yeah, I saw Jimmy for the first time in weeks the other day (Tuesday, I think) and I think he wanted to say something to me because as I walked over to him, he kept looking over at me. At first I thought he was looking over my shoulder, but nope, no one behind me. I pretended not to see him. I'm over being mad at him for what he did, it wasn't really my business. But I'm still mad at myself for getting him so wrong. I thought he was a good guy, funny, kind, y'know? I think I'll say hi next time I see him.

On another front, I'll explain the guilty thing, shall I? I have this old school friend called Melanie. After High School, she went to work and I went to college, we've stayed in touch through email and stuff, but that's about it. She suggested we go out this weekend and I said yes. Problem is, we never had that much in common in High School, but we hung out because she was new and my teacher told me to keep an eye on her. Now, we have even less in common. I'm in college, she's at work. She's sleeping and practically living with her older boyfriend and I'm still sadly single. We come from completely different worlds. Then today, I got a booklist so I needed to get those and I can't get them from where we were planning to go. So I told Mel that I couldn't go out with her and made up some excuse. I feel really bad about it, I've told her we'll go out another time, but since telling her, a couple of other mates have said they'll come get their booklist with me, then some others said they'd meet up with us and now we're going to the cinema too. I feel really bad about it because Mel's really nice.

But the good thing is that next time I see Mel, this whole Scott thing will be sorted out. Which I absolutely cannot wait for. Especially since I saw him looking incredibly hot playing his guitar today. Phew!

Current Mood: guilty

Just a quick word for those who are wondering if and when I intend to update my fics.
I've got a load of ficlets planned that are half written. But I intend, over this exam period, to write Fools Rush In and Something Beautiful chapters. But I won't put them up until after June 16th, that way I can get the chance to go over them and check they're ok. Otherwise they'll be crappy and I hate knowing they're not as good as they could be.
So, sorry it's gonna be a while, but there will be plenty of updates after my final exam. Hope that's ok.

Actually feeling quite chipper today! I had my first History exam on Monday and I think that went well. I had my first Sociology exam yesterday and I think I did ok. I don't have another exam until next week, yay! Plus, today was wonderfully sunny and I ended up not wearing a jacket at all. Then there's the fact I got 57/60 for unit 1 in Drama, which goes toward my overall mark.

In fact, I'm in such a good mood that I don't even mind that Michael has started stalking me again. Well, not stalking, but I think ringing up at gone midnight is a little much. The other day after a particularly fun Drama lesson, Michael said I looked like Joey from Dawson's Creek when I act. Which is odd considering she had brown eyes and long dark hair while I have blue/green eyes and short blondey/brown hair. So Monday he called and told me to watch E4+1 to see Dawson's Creek. I've never really watched it, I just have a general idea who the characters are. In the end, I said, ok maybe he had a point. But would he leave it at that? No. He went on to say, "No, look closer. Check out the way she flicks her hair and gives that innocent look." So I laughed and said he'd been looking too closely at me and Joey and he said that sometimes he's too shy to look me in the eye. All that I can handle, the one thing I really don't like about Michael is the way he's always saying he knows me, which he doesn't. He goes on about how he knows me better than I think, which really irritates me. The really annoying thing is that I get attention from all the people I don't like, in that way, at least. Yesterday, a builder sang to me ("I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing") as I walked past. But Scott? I could walk past with a flashing neon sign screaming, "I FANCY THE KNICKERS OFF YOU! WILL YOU PLEASE ASK ME OUT OR PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!" and he wouldn't get it. It's like banging your head against a brick wall with some guys.

Speaking of guys, on the Jimmy front, I haven't seen him - well, I have, but only at a distance - and I'm not that bothered. I know for a fact now that he's avoiding Scott because I saw him up ahead as I was walking to English with Scott and Jimmy stopped, turned around and took another route to his lesson. God knows why, Scott's pretty easy going, even if he held it against Jimmy, he probably wouldn't show it. God, if only he wasn't so nice!

Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Drinking in LA - currently on the radio

I hate Jimmy.
Well, ok, so maybe hate is a little strong. But then I think dislike is a little weak. So let's just say I'm intensely pissed off with him and even if I ever get over that, I won't like him anymore. Maybe as a friend, but as a romantic interest, he's history.
Why?
Well, hanging out in the canteen with my friends, he was sitting at a nearby table. We chatted, then his friends came along and he was talking to them. After a while, I noticed Lizzie was looking over my shoulder and I turned around just in time to see Scott dicking around with Jimmy and I saw Jimmy kick him. I'm not talking a joke kick, I'm talking a full on fuck off kinda kick, right on the shin. Twice.
I was going to go after Scott and ask if he was ok, but he went back to a bunch of friends, so I thought I'd ask him later. But when I saw him in class, he looked like he had forgotten (as always, he bounces back. Kinda like a rubber ball) so I let it go. Jimmy didn't turn up, I think he was avoiding Scott. He's seen me around, but he hasn't said hi like normal, I think he knows I saw. What a complete and utter bastard.

In other news, Selene knows about my crush on Scott. She's been saying I look all happy lately and she thinks it's to do with a guy. She kept on and on and on Wednesday, when she asked if it was Scott, I didn't reply, which was essentially a yes. To my surprise, she was ok about it. Scott and Selene don't get along. No, they do, get in a you-really-get-on-my-nerves-you-dick kinda way, if you know what I mean. And I was stunned when she said that she can understand it because he's attractive, kind, funny and apart from being an annoying twat at times, he's a decent guy. So, thinking Selene's got more to her than I had thought, I told her about my by then old feelings for Jimmy. I've always prefered Scott to Jimmy, but I've always thought Jimmy was the better looking of the two, not that Scott's bad looking. Then Selene said that no, Scott was way better looking. I had a good look today and you know what, she was right.
I don't care what anyone else says, since dating Neil, Selene has been so much more understanding and less shallow. Who says love can't change a person?

Well, I won't be updating my fanfics for a while. I finished Escape and updated Fools Rush In, so I don't feel so guilty. I wish I could finish Something Beautiful at least, but I'm never gonna finish it in time. I've got my first exam on Monday, then another on Tuesday, so I need all this week and the weekend to revise for them. Which is why, in case you're wondering, there's no updates.
After those two exams, I'm gonna try and update Something Beautiful and Fools Rush In. Or I might finish up a couple of ficlets that I really wanna write.

Anyways, I'm watching Tru Calling, the episode Haunted. It's really good. Hardly a replacement for Angel, but it'll do, I guess. And tonight's Angel is Origin, which means there's only four episodes left after this. Plus I've heard that tonight is the return of the prodigal son. But more than that, I hope to God that something happens with Wes because I'm sick of the misery and the drinking. It gets old. I love Wesley, I quite like Fred, I just don't like Wes in relation to Fred. It completely ruins him. I prefered him with Lilah, at least then he had some fire. Now there's... What? Not a lot. So I'm hoping for a pick up in his storyline, it would be a shame to end the season with him still stuck in his apartment, not having left for days. But I'll guess we'll see tonight.

Then, I've got to revise.

Joy.

Well, this is my first week back at college since the two weeks I had off for Easter. Easter was fun, I redecorated my room, it's not exactly finished, I've got some new furniture to move in. Plus, I ate a whole load of chocolate eggs and didn't feel as guilty as I thought I would. Then I got my hair cut, it's really short now, above my chin. But I like it, it takes exactly three minutes to dry my hair, which is great!

Anyway, now I'm back at college. On Monday, Scott wasn't in Computer Skills, so I was a little miffed, since I wasn't going to go to it, but thought I'd go see if anything had changed with him. But, I did see him as I left and was heading to English. He was sitting outside on one of the tables and I didn't see him, but he called me and said hi. He didn't mention my hair, but I didn't give him a chance because I was late to English.
I should have seen him today, but I skipped tutorial because my previous class was cancelled and I wasn't gonna hang around for an hour just to see him. I'd like to say I was play hard to get, but I was knackered and wanted to get home. I'll probably see him Friday, but I am curious whether he and Jimmy will be going to the Spring Ball on Friday. I'm not going because no one I know is going. Plus I have nothing to wear and there's dress code, can you believe?!

In other news, Ella and Liam broke up. I heard Ella going "It's his loss" then I heard her telling someone else who asked how her holiday was, "My boyfriend dumped me." I thought they'd be acting weird in Drama, but they were as chummy as ever, if a little snide. The creepy thing was every time I looked up, Liam was looking at me. I hope to God that doesn't mean anything. I've nothing against Liam, but he's one of those guys how has more girl friends than guy friends because girls are constantly flocking around him. He's also a bit - how can I put this? - effeminent, at times, which is never funny, always cringe worthy. Plus, as far as I'm concerned he is NOT good looking and has the blandest personality than anyone I've ever known.

Anyway, my first exam is in 4 weeks, so I'm slightly paniked, but I can do this, so I'm not gonna stress. Thankfully, I don't have to revise for my first exam since it's on the unit I'm doing now, so we're revising as we go along. I'll have one the next day. Most of them are in May, I've got English and Drama in June and I think my main History one's in June too. But I'm calm, it's cool.

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Lifetime - Better Than Ezra

Ok, first news - new computer! It's so pretty and silver! And to celebrate, I've finished a fic and got that on dear old ff.net. Speaking of fanfic, more great news! I've been nominated in the Barefoot Awards! "Sins of the Father" is up for the Daddy Award and the I Wish Award. "Things Change" has been nominated for the Tantrum Award, the Sitting In A Tree Award, the Mommy Award and the Daddy Award. Even "Succession" got a nomination for the Brats Award. So - although I emailed you back after you let me know - I want to say thanks to Joanne for being great.

Then there's the other news. Remember Scott who I thought I was over. I was wrong, big surprise there. I hadn't seen him for about two weeks and I went to tutor with Tamara (she's not in my tutor group, but her class was cancelled and she had nothing to do so she came along). And there he was. We were the only loud people there, Abigail, Darren and the others weren't in. So Scott set about annoying me, knocking over my drink and stuff. I asked him quite seriously why he annoys me all the time and he said "Because you chose me." If only I knew what that meant. After tutor, he was walking along with me and Tamara until he saw his friends. Then we went into the canteen and saw Elizabeth, a friend of mine from High School. We were talking and in walked Scott, annoying me again. He went out to play football and I had a great view of that from my seat. Tamara thinks he likes me because he was totally focused on me. Liz reckons I should tell him - confidently - at the end of the year how I feel, that way, if he doesn't feel the same, I've got the summer holiday to get over it. She said he should feel the same way because:
"I'm not saying he should be grateful that you like him. But look at him!" she pointed out the window at him running like an idiot and missing the ball when he tried to kick it, "he should be damned grateful that you like him!"
It also turns out that Liz knows a close friend of his and they were talking about him when Liz and Debs joined the conversation. Turns out that not only does he not have a girlfriend at the moment, but he's never had one. Ever. Liz says that he even tried it on with Debs, to which I replied, "Liz, if he tries it on with everyone, why has he never tried it on with me!"
Anyway, we were talking - Liz has her own odd crush on a guy called Chris - and I told her about the time I was miserable and he asked about me and was really sweet. Next thing I know, Liz has got this dreamy smile on her face and said, "Date him. Please, date him. That's lovely. Just date him!" If only it were that simple.
I found out on Wednesday that Jimmy's going to the Spring Ball. So I'm gonna go. If only to see Jimmy in a tux. I can't even imagine it.
So, tomorrow it's the first day of the Easter hols, but I have to go into college for some revision stuff. I'm not that bothered, I've got two weeks, one day won't matter. Anyway, a load of the music students are gonna be in working on coursework. And in case you're wondering, yes, Scott's a musician. He's a guitarist. And a damn good one too.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Smash Mouth - All Star

Well I never. Today I actually wrote a fic that wasn't Buffy or Angel related. It's a Dirty Dancing one. Oh yeah, this chick ain't no one trick pony!
In other news, I've done one of the essays I needed to do and I've got another to do by Wednesday. But because I don't have to go in tomorrow, I've only got Wednesday - Friday. That's only three days before the Easter hols! They can't come quick enough for me. I'm counting the minutes.

I'm off college til Wednesday, which is great. And I'm in a good mood because I've got up another chapter of "Something Beautiful," the third chapter: Gay? Me?
But I've got two essays to do and I've got to go in for a little while on Tuesday. Anyway, today's a good day. I managed to get my mum a decent birthday present and a new copy of "Dirty Dancing"! I love that movie. In fact, I love it so much, I'd like to see something write a Buffy or Angel version. Any takers?
Oh yeah, I had my IT exam yesterday and I finised about half an hour early, God knows whether that's good or bad. But it's done, so that's a plus.
So I should go away and do those essays to make sure the rest of the weekend's free. Off I go, diddly dee.

Current Mood: content
Current Music: Shakira - Laundry Service

Stop Press! I have news! I think - THINK - that I just might be over Mr Scott Lewis!
Today, I looked at him and... Nothing. At least I think there was nothing. And not even Jimmy made me feel all girlie and ridiculous
They were both like "Wow, look at the fun you're having," basically because I looked depressed. Which is nothing new - as I pointed out to them - so I didn't get the big deal they were making.
I've come to the conclusion that all guys suck as romantic interests. Well, except for those actually in relationships and that would be the main problem with them - the relationship thing. So I'm over men in general. Who cares if I'm single? Even Kylie's single sometimes. Yeah, I know she doesn't stay single for long, but I'm on a roll here!
Right, where was I? Oh, yes. Men. Over them. Single = Good.

On another topic, I've decided I really don't like Abigail. She's in my tutor group and I took an instant dislike to her because she reminded me of this girl who hassled me in High School. Mostly, I hate the way she always seems to be looking down on people. Like she's so amazing because she's got mostly male friends. And - back when I actually cared - whenever Scott annoyed me, she'd be like, "Leave her alone, Scott!" That used to piss me off because:
1) The way she said it. She didn't say it like she was exasperated or joking, just really horribly, like she expected him to do what she said.
2) It was none of her business. He wasn't talking to her or annoying her. And I was giving as good as I got.

So yeah, to recap: over Scott and Jimmy. Over men in general. Single is great and I hate Abigail.

Tamara wasn't in today, but while we're on the subject, let me ask you this: "If I were Greg Rusedski and I took performance enhancing drugs, I'd want my money back."
Is that some kind of code? Be honest with me. I know it's not funny and it's old, but surely it's not incomprehensible? Why do I ask? Well, Tamara, Tamara who is in her twenties, didn't understand. When I said it, she gave me this blank look and asked "What?" And when I repeated it, she laughed, then shook her head and said, "I don't get it." So I had to explain it to her, which killed the tiny bit of funny it actually had.

And, as my final comment - and the final nail in the coffin of my caring about the opposite sex - there's a Spring Ball. Yep, there's a Spring Ball. And if it's anything like the Valentine's Ball, it'll never materialise. So, in case you couldnt guess, I'm not going. Hardly anyone will go. And no, for the record, I am not including Scott and Jimmy in that.

Anyway, I'm gonna go away and watch TV while I wait for the final Sex and the City to show. Hopefully that won't change my whole "Single's a good thing" ideal.

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: The Beatles - Ticket To Ride

I'm actually online at the moment to do some work. I've got to research Ireland because we're doing "Translations," in Lit. Then I've got a History essay to write on the Brains Trust. That's all the school work I've got to do, but I've got a lot of other stuff I want to do over this weekend:
1. Practice my guitar, I haven't for about two weeks.
2. Write to my penpal.
3. Paint my nails sexy red!
4. Do some writing.

And by writing, I do mean a lot of writing. I want to write at least two chapters of "Escape." I want to write the first couple of chapters of "The Dawnmeister Chronicles," before I get it up. And then I want to work on "Something Beautiful," which hijacked my mind after watching the Angel episode "Harm's Way." It's a Wes/Harmony bonding fic. Because that episode just made me really warm to Harmony. So I'm gonna go away and work on that now. After watching Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway. Long live the Gods of Comedy! Hehe!

Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: Neil Diamond on the Stars in their Eyes live final